Ang Traydor na Lakas

I think I spoke to soon when I said everything was okay. Well, actually… relatively, everything still is okay. Still none of the vomiting (go Emend!), and the constipation got sorted out after stuffing self with fruits and fiber, plus 1 tablet of Dulcolax.   Should be thankful for that, and I am.

Ang di ko na-anticipate ay kung gaano ako natraydor ng lakas. Paggising ko on the day after I got home from the hospital, I felt normal. Strong pa nga, like going thru chemo was no biggie. (Upon research, I think naging hyper ako dahil sa steroids sa pre-meds ko.) So, I went for a walk outside. Then, because I felt I could, did a mild 12 minute yoga which I hoped would relieve me of the constipation. (Yan yung malaking mali ko, in hindsight.) Tapos ayos-ayos ng kaunti sa gamit.

Maya-maya, parang windang na ako. Yung pakiramdam ng nauupos na kandila. Yung panghihina na nararanasan ng taong hindi pa kumakain ng buong araw tapos  tinamaan na ng matinding gutom.

Humiga ako para makapagrecharge. Di siya kaya ng isang oras na tulog.  Paggising ko parang naririnig ko yung mga cells ng katawan ko na niluluto. Alam mo yung uling na nagbabaga sa ihawan? Pwedeng imagination ko lang, pero ganun yung pakiramdam.

Wala namang lagnat… malamig pa nga ako. 34 degrees. Lagi akong nakakumot at nakamedyas. Hanggang leeg ang talukbong.

Nagbanyo ako. Effort tumayo at maglakad para lang umihi. Nakita ko sarili ko sa salamin. Asul yung labi ko. Madilim yung ilalim ng mga mata. Namayat ako bigla mula nuong isang araw… nailabas ko na siguro lahat ng tubig na pinasok sa akin sa IV. Di na ako Michelin Man. Pero mukha naman akong pasas. Nagpanic ako nang slight, pero nakakapagod magpanic kaya balik na ako sa kama at tinulog ko na lang.

Natakot ako at one point: sa sobrang kahinaan, parang akong nag-fa-fade. Nagdidissolve. Tinext ko si Dad. Uwi ka na po.

Buti nakauwi sya agad, bago nahuli ng kagaguhan ng APEC traffic. Inasikaso niya ako. Tapos yung importante nung natakot ako hinawakan nya kamay ko. Siguro iisipin mo mushy, pero yung panahong iyon, para akong batang nawalan ng pangamba nang niyakap na ng ama.

Natulog ako buong araw at buong gabi. Natulog pa rin kahapon. Pag ganito pala dapat isipin mo na meron ka lang isang kahong lakas na gagamitin, kaya dapat isipin mo lang kung saan gagastusin. Importante ba manuod ng TV? Importante ba pumunta sa kusina? Importante bang mamasyal? Mas importante bang magbanyo? Maligo? Kumain? Ganun. Ibudget mo enerhiya mo.

Ngayon, mas okay na. Nakakalibot ng kaunti sa bahay. Hindi na gaano tulog nang tulog pero hinay-hinay pa rin. Sawang-sawa na sa kapapanuod ng TV pero hindi naman ako nagrereklamo masyado.

The First Chemo: One Down, Three to Go!

Just got home yesterday from PGH from my first chemo session. (If you’ve stumbled upon this blog and you’re interested what concoction it was – it was Cisplatin for 8 hours drip for 1 day, then Etoposide for 2 hours over the course of three days. I’m getting this 4 months after my surgery where they excised the tumor whole. Although they got everything out, patho confirmed it’s “poorly differentiated” neuroendocrine carcinoma; “poorly differentiated” meaning it is the aggressive, malignant type and may come back quickly and, hence the chemo to kill whatever cancer cells are lurking in my body. My chemo treatment practically is a precaution for recurrence. I’ve read from cancer survivor’s blogs that the fear for recurrence is always there whenever you go on your regular scans, but at least this step hopefully slows it down by years…  My chemo’s on 4 cycles with a 3 to 4 week gap between cycles. After that, we wait for 6 months or a full year since the 1^st chemo sesh, and go for a scan to check if there’s any trouble brewing. But THAT’s like ages away. So I won’t think about this now. In the meantime, one chemo at a time!)

Okay, back to the first chemo sesh: it was nothing to get worried about, actually. Everything went well – the troubles I had I think are minor. I did get a tiny bit of allergy whenever the pre-meds for Etoposide came on the IV. Now back home, I’m constipated (TMI, I know, but I think it would help to let someone who’s about to go to chemo to know that).

Oh, but it did help a HUGE bit that my onco prescribed a really great anti-vomit drug, an “aprepitant” named EMEND, manufactured by Merck (MSD). I got mine thru a med rep, and then delivered straight to PGH on Day 1, which is when they prep you prior chemo itself. No nasty vomiting whatsover! And still no vomiting today, but we’ll see in the days to come. It’s pricey (a little over P3K for a 3-day pack), but well worth every penny.

My friends Kara and Dino came up to visit, so did my cousin Rouschelle. Cheered me a great deal. Also most importantly, my cousin Enveeh (what a name, right?) was an excellent and proactive nurse who watched over me the whole time. My family was always there, either physically or online, checking up on me, and that was a tremendous source of comfort.

On the first morning home, despite being constipated and bloated (ugh I feel like michelin man now), I still feel strong and normal. Of course I’m taking every precaution to keep myself healthy – lysol everywhere, sanitizing everything. Immunity goes low as a side effect of chemo. I have to make an effort to keep away from the kids (we have toddlers at home), which is a huge sacrifice. I’ll try to feel my way a bit during the first week after chemo and see how far I can go in terms of movement beyond the house.

Anyway, that’s it. First chemo down! Hopefully the next three are just as uneventful!

This Thing Called Pag-Asa

Naalaala ko yung time na nakuha ko yung results ng pathology report, yung 2nd opinion na, on the tumor excised from me last July (a huge tumor, mind you -- sinlaki ng Christmas ham... actually mukha siyang Christmas ham; kung ipopost ko yung picture nito, baka matrauma ka at hindi kumain ng hamon sa Noche Buena). I had been hoping that the PGH Surgical Patho dept was wrong, or may have missed something, when they wrote down "neuroendocrine carcinoma"(NEC) in their report. (In hindsight, how foolish of me. It IS PGH, the home of country's best specialists and doctors.) Since the patho I was referred to was in St Luke's QC, my sister-in-law was kind enough to arrange this for me. Dumating yung report, after a week. It confirmed NEC. I was devastated.

I remember that day clearly. Naka-upo ako sa sofa. Late afternoon. Nanunuod ng "The Kid" sa Disney Channel. (I liked that movie -- it starred Bruce Willis as a stuck-up image specialist who meets his 8? 9? year old self, and they figure out together why they're in the same space and time. Anyway...) I read the emailed report on my laptop. Afterwhich, I went into crying fits  -- crying silently, then crying with hagulgol, ... then becoming angry, I was crying and shouting. I was screaming stuff like, "This is unfair!" and "Gusto ko pang mabuhay!" atsaka "Andaya-daya!!!"

Swear. Sinabi ko "Andaya-daya!". I was cheated on. I tried to live a healthy lifestyle, kahit na ba meron akong tendency maging overweight. (Bata pa lang ako, chubbita na ako. Ika nga, the struggle is real. But I did what I could.) Nagwork out ako, and watched what I ate (Sort of. I watched then ate). I avoided alcohol and smoking. I avoided asbestos (?!). Well I did not stop eating red meat, eh wala pa namang WHO advisory nuon.

Tangina pa rin. Andaya-daya. Bakit ako? Or, bakit ngayon? "Ang bata-bata ko pa!" Ang bata ko pa. Wala pa akong 40. Wala akong jowa (yung di LDR). Wala pa akong asawa. Wala pa akong anak. Wala pa akong sariling bahay.

So ano ginawa ko? May computer, kaya mega-chat ako sa kaibigan kong si Alisa. Binuhos ko sa kanya ang frustration ko. (In hindsight, ang hirap magchat whilst crying... parang nakakasira ng flow...). Ansabi nya, malayo pa ako sa point that I have make conclusions as to what will happen to me. Malayo pa ang journey. In other words, there's hope yet. And I had to believe her -- she was telling me these things from the point of view of someone whose mother has a brain tumor.

Pero... ang hirap umasa. I dislike hoping, because it sets me up for major disappointments. Tao lang ako. Case in point -- akala ko nuon by 25 I'd be married. Nope, didn't happen. Or by 30. Or by 35.

Ilang Finish Line na ang aking nalampasan (and by Finish Line, dapat familiar ka sa movie ni Claudine Baretto at Rico Yan na "Got to Believe"... and now reflecting on that title, how ironic). Nagtry din akong maging proactive -- online chats, going to church/christian groups (as in kaweirduhan level na ha, pero di ko kinaya yung speaking in tongues -- as in, di talaga), speed dating (that was fun though, but I'm never doing that again), going out of my way to meet different people (well going to Litcritters didn't supply me a boyfriend, but I got the sweetest and most interesting friends from there). Nagdasal ako ng mga stampita. Nagdasal ako kada-lunch break. Nagdasal ako ng mga novena. Nagdasal ako hangga't nagsawa akong magdasal dahil natatanto ko na wala namang sumasagot sa kabilang linya.

Reader, please don't give me that hindi mo dapat ipako ang kaligayahan ko sa pagkakaroon ng asawa. Totoo dat. Pero masama bang mangarap? Kuntento naman ako ngayong mabuhay nang simple, with or without asawa, pero, iba pa rin yung may partner ka, lalo na kung yung nakita niyong swak na swak sa isa't isa. (Tsaka kawawa naman mga magulang ko. Hindi naman pwedeng habang buhay sila yung kukulitin kong manuod ng sine at gumimik. They'd want to do something else, right? Like this trip to Cebu they've been talking about. Anyway...)

Pagkatapos ng ilang linggo, nahimasmasan na rin ako. Ang attitude? Bahala na, Batman. Kung mamatay, sige. Kung mabubuhay, sige lang, better pa.  But I also thought I needed to be smart about this, kailangan proactive -- gawin na ang dapat gawin bago madedo -- kung ano pa man ang deadline. May bucket list na ako, actually. 100 ang target ko pero di pa umabot ng 24 items. Medyo demanding lang kasi isa duon -- "Watch my grandchildren grow."

Unti-unti, may mga nagningning na mumunting tala along the way. Like, yung blood test ko -- results of the important parameters (which are indicative of cancer/no-cancer) were within range. And then, yung CT Scan (which I hated, kasi may isusuksok pala na tubo sa pwet mo at irrigate ka ng ionized fluid before the actual scan) -- showed no signs of residual tumor or even new tumor growths. And then, this week, my bone scan -- it showed no signs of mets (or metastasis) to my bones. And my appetite is so back with a vengeance that I want to eat everything in sight.  Good news, one after another, actually. And then, after some more googling on "fertility after chemo therapy", I found that some women were still able to get pregnant and have children. And this cheered me up, even if there's this thin sliver of a chance of bearing children, at least here we have proof of a chance! Being a cancer survivor/mother is not impossible!

I still have to go with Kemo though. Kailangan siya as a preventive measure, to lower the chance of recurrence. The tumor growth kasi was of the malignant and aggressive kind (= very bad). I was told I need Kemo para mamatay yung mga natitirang cancer cells na hindi ko nakikita.

Higit siguro ngayon sa pag-asa, kailangan ko ng lakas ng loob. Ng guts. Tsaka isang bandehado ng positive attitude na pang Olympic level. Saan ba nakakabili nito?

The Movie in My Mind

Kahapon tumambay muna kami sa condo kung saan nakatira yung bunso namin. May pool sa amenities floor, so dun muna ako pumunta para magbasa ng libro.

Maganda yung hapon. Alas kwatro, at nagpapalit na ng kulay ang langit. May mag-amang naliligo dun sa pool -- isang expat (puti, kalbo, matanda, mukha namang mabait) at ang kanyang maliit na anak na babae, siguro over a year old ang edad. Yung nanay na Pinay, nasa tabi, naka-abang, nagmamasid sa anak at asawa... tahimik man siya, kita naman na natutuwa siya sa quiet, pero happy moment na iyon.

Naisip ko bigla, "After chemo, di na ako pwedeng magka-anak." Parang dagib sa dibdib nung inisip ko pa.

Actually, yung eksenang nakikita ko sa pool, pangarap ko yun eh. Isang expat na asawa (huwag mo nang itanong bakit expat... basta, ibang blogpost na yun), ang aking bi-racial kong anak na may British accent ("Daddi, pleeeease don't pull awayyyyy..."), at ako na naka-spaghetti strap, hot oil na hair at pekpek shorts. Masaya kaming pamilya. Maganda ang anak ko, matalino, bibo, at artistahin. Magaling siyang kumanta at mahilig mag-imbento ng sariling bedtime story. Light brown hair, tisayin, pero pango ang ilong (mana sa akin). Bungisngis (mana din sa akin). Next year, mag-aaral na siya sa kindergarten, at tiyak siya ang magiging teacher's pet kasi sweet and caring siya, artistic, at mataas ang EQ.

Naisip kong bigyan siya ng pangalan, kaso, masakit, so huwag na. Pangarap siyang maglalaho sa saglit na turukan nila ako ng Cisplatin sa kemo ko. Nakakapatay ng egg cells ang Cisplatin. Anak ko ang ipinantutubos sa buhay ko.

Alam mo, ang ironic dito, meron kaming history na pagiging fertile. Ang tatay ko ay may 16 na kapatid, samantalang ang nanay ko naman ay 11. Nuong naging balo ang lolo ko (sa father side) ay nag-asawa siya ulit matapos ang maikling panahon, at nagkaroon pa ng mga anak (sa pagkakaalam ko ay apat).

Sayang. Looking forward ako sa pagbabasa ng stories sa anak ko, sa pagturo sa kaniyang magdrowing, sa pagswim sa beach. Bibihisan ko siya ng pinakakikay na damit. At the same time, I will try to find good role models for her to look up to (at hindi naman ako kailangang lumayo --- ang lola niyang maestra at manunulat, super role model na agad). Paglaki niya, kung hindi siya magiging artista, ay she'll be whatever she wanted to be, and I and her father will be very proud of her. She will give us wonderful grandchildren, and her husband is going to give us an all-expenses paid trip to Hawaii on our 40th wedding anniversary. (Yung husband niya ay either isang finance management guy or isang best-selling author. Extraordinary anak ko, kaya extraordinary rin ang manugang ko, ano ba?)

Nagsplash yung pool. May ibang batang lalaking tumalon mula sa side at nagpafloating-floating. Pagod na yung matandang expat. Uwi na raw, sabi niya kay wifey. Mabait si baby girl, di nagreklamo. Baka sleepy na siya at gusto nang mamahinga. Kanina pa siguro sila naglalaro.

Nagtry akong tapusin yung binabasa ko na may kinalaman kung paano mabuhay ang mga millenials. Pero di ko makalimutan yung pangarap ko.

Kemo, please don't take that away from me.

Mabuhay! Mula sa Konstelasyon ng Kanser

In the meatime, tawagin mo akong Kapri.

Nope, hindi kapre (yung mahilig sa tabako at dumadakip ng mga dalaga), at hindi rin capri (yung nakakapandak na pants na sinusuot kapag summer ). Kapri, short for Kapricorn. Ipinanganak kasi ako ng Pasko, so kung kukunsultahin mo ang star signs, swak dapat ang personality ko bilang hardworking, decisive, money-savvy, career-oriented, and ... medyo boring.

Hindi naman ako boring. I think. I try not to be. But sometimes, kung di ko bet yung kausap ko, I will nod and grunt as if to say, I'm listening, or I get your point, but really, gusto ko lang matapos yung conversation and makapagcheck ng likes sa Facebook status ko.

Hardworking ba ako? Pwede na. Hindi naman ako bumagsak sa school or nasisante sa trabaho dahil sa katamaran. Pero realistic naman ako sa expectations. Or, baka lang I don't really have that much faith in myself, kung kaya kung manalo ng award, okay sa alrayt. Kung matalo, "Shit ba't ganun", pero after a few moments, kerribels.

Bakit ako may ganitong blog? At anong kinalaman ng kanser? Meron ba akong crush na Kanser ang star sign? Fan ba ako ng Noli Me Tangere? (Kung hindi mo nagets yung Rizal reference, BUMALIK KA SA HIGH SCHOOL.)

Ang masaklap na dahilan ay yung, alam mo na, yung sakit na kanser. Of course aware naman ako that  cancer does not discriminate, kahit sino, papatulan niyan, kesyo meron kang propensity for it because of your genes, or dahil nagtratrabaho ka sa isang toxic enviroment, or dahil ora-orada kang lumalamon ng red at processed meat (kanina lang inannounce ng WHO na carcinogenic daw ang bacon; parang nalungkot ang buong mundo), or it could be anything we don't have the scientific explanation for (yet)... Pero dahil ako na mismo ang tinamaan nito, it still felt surreal.

Laging sinasabi ng mga cancer patient bloggers na "cancer is something I thought *other* people got...not me." Oo, ganun nga. Akala ko sa ibang tao lang ito nangyayari -- hindi sa akin at hindi sa pamilya ko. 38 lang ako. Wala akong bisyo. Sure, overweight, but not so overweight. Char. Actually, kaunti na lang, pasok na dapat BMI ko eh. (Wala pa rin ako sa pasang awa point, even after losing so much weight. Magpapatangkad na lang ako next.)

(Oh. Dun sa losing weight -- a confession. I used to harp on workout and diet as the reasons for my "getting into shape"... I lost 20 pounds kasi. Ayun pala... may sakit na pala ako. Wenk wenk wenk. Sorry, folks. #dietpamore.)

One of these days, I'll blog about how I got diagnosed with cancer. But right now, gusto kong sabihin I'm not afraid of it. (Nanginginig ako while saying that. Teka, once more, with conviction...)

I'm not afraid of cancer. I'm so not afraid of it that I'm spelling it with a small "c", and I'm actually saying it out loud. cANCER. I AM NOT AFRAID OF YOUS.

My dear reader, I won't shield you from this fact. Matanda ka na, at alam mo dapat ang ilang katotohan sa life. People live, and people die. Cancer is just one of the many ways that people can die of. Also, hindi ka pa ba natuto kay JK Rowling and the Harry Potter books? Dapat hindi ka matakot sabihin ang pangalan ng kaaway mo. Dapat "Voldemort" (na sabi nila ay may silent "t"), at hindi "He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named". Kung hindi, defeated ka na, hindi mo pa siya nahaharap.

Chemo/ Kemo, on the other hand, hmm, I'll probably fear once I get on with the treatments in November. I've read some first hand accounts, and they all say, something short of "Fuck this fuck this fuck this". It is going to be hhhhorrible, and I have to go and complete 4 cycles of terrible agony. (But I shouldn't be complaining since some people go through it 12 times.)

There was one oncologist who wrote something in a forum that was a bit encouraging though: I should view chemo as my friend. Probably a ruthless friend because I'm going to physically suffer on account of our friendship... but a friend nonetheless because it's going to help me beat cancer. It's going to help me live.

Pero shit. Kemo, please be nice. (Also, come on, Body!!! We can do this!!!)

Anyways, yun muna. I just wanted to keep the ball rolling on this blog with this first entry. Binoblog ko ito kasi ayokong mabaliw ang mga kaibigan at kapamilya ko kung pagbubuhusan ko sila ng LAHAT ng nararamdaman ko about this thing. Kailangan ko ng outlet. Ika nga ng friend ko na si Kate, "we feeling wordsmiths find comfort in the act of writing".

So ayan na.