Naalaala ko yung time na nakuha ko yung results ng pathology report, yung 2nd opinion na, on the tumor excised from me last July (a huge tumor, mind you -- sinlaki ng Christmas ham... actually mukha siyang Christmas ham; kung ipopost ko yung picture nito, baka matrauma ka at hindi kumain ng hamon sa Noche Buena). I had been hoping that the PGH Surgical Patho dept was wrong, or may have missed something, when they wrote down "neuroendocrine carcinoma"(NEC) in their report. (In hindsight, how foolish of me. It IS PGH, the home of country's best specialists and doctors.) Since the patho I was referred to was in St Luke's QC, my sister-in-law was kind enough to arrange this for me. Dumating yung report, after a week. It confirmed NEC. I was devastated.
I remember that day clearly. Naka-upo ako sa sofa. Late afternoon. Nanunuod ng "The Kid" sa Disney Channel. (I liked that movie -- it starred Bruce Willis as a stuck-up image specialist who meets his 8? 9? year old self, and they figure out together why they're in the same space and time. Anyway...) I read the emailed report on my laptop. Afterwhich, I went into crying fits -- crying silently, then crying with hagulgol, ... then becoming angry, I was crying and shouting. I was screaming stuff like, "This is unfair!" and "Gusto ko pang mabuhay!" atsaka "Andaya-daya!!!"
Swear. Sinabi ko "Andaya-daya!". I was cheated on. I tried to live a healthy lifestyle, kahit na ba meron akong tendency maging overweight. (Bata pa lang ako, chubbita na ako. Ika nga, the struggle is real. But I did what I could.) Nagwork out ako, and watched what I ate (Sort of. I watched then ate). I avoided alcohol and smoking. I avoided asbestos (?!). Well I did not stop eating red meat, eh wala pa namang WHO advisory nuon.
Tangina pa rin. Andaya-daya. Bakit ako? Or, bakit ngayon? "Ang bata-bata ko pa!" Ang bata ko pa. Wala pa akong 40. Wala akong jowa (yung di LDR). Wala pa akong asawa. Wala pa akong anak. Wala pa akong sariling bahay.
So ano ginawa ko? May computer, kaya mega-chat ako sa kaibigan kong si Alisa. Binuhos ko sa kanya ang frustration ko. (In hindsight, ang hirap magchat whilst crying... parang nakakasira ng flow...). Ansabi nya, malayo pa ako sa point that I have make conclusions as to what will happen to me. Malayo pa ang journey. In other words, there's hope yet. And I had to believe her -- she was telling me these things from the point of view of someone whose mother has a brain tumor.
Pero... ang hirap umasa. I dislike hoping, because it sets me up for major disappointments. Tao lang ako. Case in point -- akala ko nuon by 25 I'd be married. Nope, didn't happen. Or by 30. Or by 35.
Ilang Finish Line na ang aking nalampasan (and by Finish Line, dapat familiar ka sa movie ni Claudine Baretto at Rico Yan na "Got to Believe"... and now reflecting on that title, how ironic). Nagtry din akong maging proactive -- online chats, going to church/christian groups (as in kaweirduhan level na ha, pero di ko kinaya yung speaking in tongues -- as in, di talaga), speed dating (that was fun though, but I'm never doing that again), going out of my way to meet different people (well going to Litcritters didn't supply me a boyfriend, but I got the sweetest and most interesting friends from there). Nagdasal ako ng mga stampita. Nagdasal ako kada-lunch break. Nagdasal ako ng mga novena. Nagdasal ako hangga't nagsawa akong magdasal dahil natatanto ko na wala namang sumasagot sa kabilang linya.
Reader, please don't give me that hindi mo dapat ipako ang kaligayahan ko sa pagkakaroon ng asawa. Totoo dat. Pero masama bang mangarap? Kuntento naman ako ngayong mabuhay nang simple, with or without asawa, pero, iba pa rin yung may partner ka, lalo na kung yung nakita niyong swak na swak sa isa't isa. (Tsaka kawawa naman mga magulang ko. Hindi naman pwedeng habang buhay sila yung kukulitin kong manuod ng sine at gumimik. They'd want to do something else, right? Like this trip to Cebu they've been talking about. Anyway...)
Pagkatapos ng ilang linggo, nahimasmasan na rin ako. Ang attitude? Bahala na, Batman. Kung mamatay, sige. Kung mabubuhay, sige lang, better pa. But I also thought I needed to be smart about this, kailangan proactive -- gawin na ang dapat gawin bago madedo -- kung ano pa man ang deadline. May bucket list na ako, actually. 100 ang target ko pero di pa umabot ng 24 items. Medyo demanding lang kasi isa duon -- "Watch my grandchildren grow."
Unti-unti, may mga nagningning na mumunting tala along the way. Like, yung blood test ko -- results of the important parameters (which are indicative of cancer/no-cancer) were within range. And then, yung CT Scan (which I hated, kasi may isusuksok pala na tubo sa pwet mo at irrigate ka ng ionized fluid before the actual scan) -- showed no signs of residual tumor or even new tumor growths. And then, this week, my bone scan -- it showed no signs of mets (or metastasis) to my bones. And my appetite is so back with a vengeance that I want to eat everything in sight. Good news, one after another, actually. And then, after some more googling on "fertility after chemo therapy", I found that some women were still able to get pregnant and have children. And this cheered me up, even if there's this thin sliver of a chance of bearing children, at least here we have proof of a chance! Being a cancer survivor/mother is not impossible!
I still have to go with Kemo though. Kailangan siya as a preventive measure, to lower the chance of recurrence. The tumor growth kasi was of the malignant and aggressive kind (= very bad). I was told I need Kemo para mamatay yung mga natitirang cancer cells na hindi ko nakikita.
Higit siguro ngayon sa pag-asa, kailangan ko ng lakas ng loob. Ng guts. Tsaka isang bandehado ng positive attitude na pang Olympic level. Saan ba nakakabili nito?
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