In the meatime, tawagin mo akong Kapri.
Nope, hindi kapre (yung mahilig sa tabako at dumadakip ng mga dalaga), at hindi rin capri (yung nakakapandak na pants na sinusuot kapag summer ). Kapri, short for Kapricorn. Ipinanganak kasi ako ng Pasko, so kung kukunsultahin mo ang star signs, swak dapat ang personality ko bilang hardworking, decisive, money-savvy, career-oriented, and ... medyo boring.
Hindi naman ako boring. I think. I try not to be. But sometimes, kung di ko bet yung kausap ko, I will nod and grunt as if to say, I'm listening, or I get your point, but really, gusto ko lang matapos yung conversation and makapagcheck ng likes sa Facebook status ko.
Hardworking ba ako? Pwede na. Hindi naman ako bumagsak sa school or nasisante sa trabaho dahil sa katamaran. Pero realistic naman ako sa expectations. Or, baka lang I don't really have that much faith in myself, kung kaya kung manalo ng award, okay sa alrayt. Kung matalo, "Shit ba't ganun", pero after a few moments, kerribels.
Bakit ako may ganitong blog? At anong kinalaman ng kanser? Meron ba akong crush na Kanser ang star sign? Fan ba ako ng Noli Me Tangere? (Kung hindi mo nagets yung Rizal reference, BUMALIK KA SA HIGH SCHOOL.)
Ang masaklap na dahilan ay yung, alam mo na, yung sakit na kanser. Of course aware naman ako that cancer does not discriminate, kahit sino, papatulan niyan, kesyo meron kang propensity for it because of your genes, or dahil nagtratrabaho ka sa isang toxic enviroment, or dahil ora-orada kang lumalamon ng red at processed meat (kanina lang inannounce ng WHO na carcinogenic daw ang bacon; parang nalungkot ang buong mundo), or it could be anything we don't have the scientific explanation for (yet)... Pero dahil ako na mismo ang tinamaan nito, it still felt surreal.
Laging sinasabi ng mga cancer patient bloggers na "cancer is something I thought *other* people got...not me." Oo, ganun nga. Akala ko sa ibang tao lang ito nangyayari -- hindi sa akin at hindi sa pamilya ko. 38 lang ako. Wala akong bisyo. Sure, overweight, but not so overweight. Char. Actually, kaunti na lang, pasok na dapat BMI ko eh. (Wala pa rin ako sa pasang awa point, even after losing so much weight. Magpapatangkad na lang ako next.)
(Oh. Dun sa losing weight -- a confession. I used to harp on workout and diet as the reasons for my "getting into shape"... I lost 20 pounds kasi. Ayun pala... may sakit na pala ako. Wenk wenk wenk. Sorry, folks. #dietpamore.)
One of these days, I'll blog about how I got diagnosed with cancer. But right now, gusto kong sabihin I'm not afraid of it. (Nanginginig ako while saying that. Teka, once more, with conviction...)
I'm not afraid of cancer. I'm so not afraid of it that I'm spelling it with a small "c", and I'm actually saying it out loud. cANCER. I AM NOT AFRAID OF YOUS.
My dear reader, I won't shield you from this fact. Matanda ka na, at alam mo dapat ang ilang katotohan sa life. People live, and people die. Cancer is just one of the many ways that people can die of. Also, hindi ka pa ba natuto kay JK Rowling and the Harry Potter books? Dapat hindi ka matakot sabihin ang pangalan ng kaaway mo. Dapat "Voldemort" (na sabi nila ay may silent "t"), at hindi "He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named". Kung hindi, defeated ka na, hindi mo pa siya nahaharap.
Chemo/ Kemo, on the other hand, hmm, I'll probably fear once I get on with the treatments in November. I've read some first hand accounts, and they all say, something short of "Fuck this fuck this fuck this". It is going to be hhhhorrible, and I have to go and complete 4 cycles of terrible agony. (But I shouldn't be complaining since some people go through it 12 times.)
There was one oncologist who wrote something in a forum that was a bit encouraging though: I should view chemo as my friend. Probably a ruthless friend because I'm going to physically suffer on account of our friendship... but a friend nonetheless because it's going to help me beat cancer. It's going to help me live.
Pero shit. Kemo, please be nice. (Also, come on, Body!!! We can do this!!!)
Anyways, yun muna. I just wanted to keep the ball rolling on this blog with this first entry. Binoblog ko ito kasi ayokong mabaliw ang mga kaibigan at kapamilya ko kung pagbubuhusan ko sila ng LAHAT ng nararamdaman ko about this thing. Kailangan ko ng outlet. Ika nga ng friend ko na si Kate, "we feeling wordsmiths find comfort in the act of writing".
So ayan na.
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