Kahapon tumambay muna kami sa condo kung saan nakatira yung bunso namin. May pool sa amenities floor, so dun muna ako pumunta para magbasa ng libro.
Maganda yung hapon. Alas kwatro, at nagpapalit na ng kulay ang langit. May mag-amang naliligo dun sa pool -- isang expat (puti, kalbo, matanda, mukha namang mabait) at ang kanyang maliit na anak na babae, siguro over a year old ang edad. Yung nanay na Pinay, nasa tabi, naka-abang, nagmamasid sa anak at asawa... tahimik man siya, kita naman na natutuwa siya sa quiet, pero happy moment na iyon.
Naisip ko bigla, "After chemo, di na ako pwedeng magka-anak." Parang dagib sa dibdib nung inisip ko pa.
Actually, yung eksenang nakikita ko sa pool, pangarap ko yun eh. Isang expat na asawa (huwag mo nang itanong bakit expat... basta, ibang blogpost na yun), ang aking bi-racial kong anak na may British accent ("Daddi, pleeeease don't pull awayyyyy..."), at ako na naka-spaghetti strap, hot oil na hair at pekpek shorts. Masaya kaming pamilya. Maganda ang anak ko, matalino, bibo, at artistahin. Magaling siyang kumanta at mahilig mag-imbento ng sariling bedtime story. Light brown hair, tisayin, pero pango ang ilong (mana sa akin). Bungisngis (mana din sa akin). Next year, mag-aaral na siya sa kindergarten, at tiyak siya ang magiging teacher's pet kasi sweet and caring siya, artistic, at mataas ang EQ.
Naisip kong bigyan siya ng pangalan, kaso, masakit, so huwag na. Pangarap siyang maglalaho sa saglit na turukan nila ako ng Cisplatin sa kemo ko. Nakakapatay ng egg cells ang Cisplatin. Anak ko ang ipinantutubos sa buhay ko.
Alam mo, ang ironic dito, meron kaming history na pagiging fertile. Ang tatay ko ay may 16 na kapatid, samantalang ang nanay ko naman ay 11. Nuong naging balo ang lolo ko (sa father side) ay nag-asawa siya ulit matapos ang maikling panahon, at nagkaroon pa ng mga anak (sa pagkakaalam ko ay apat).
Sayang. Looking forward ako sa pagbabasa ng stories sa anak ko, sa pagturo sa kaniyang magdrowing, sa pagswim sa beach. Bibihisan ko siya ng pinakakikay na damit. At the same time, I will try to find good role models for her to look up to (at hindi naman ako kailangang lumayo --- ang lola niyang maestra at manunulat, super role model na agad). Paglaki niya, kung hindi siya magiging artista, ay she'll be whatever she wanted to be, and I and her father will be very proud of her. She will give us wonderful grandchildren, and her husband is going to give us an all-expenses paid trip to Hawaii on our 40th wedding anniversary. (Yung husband niya ay either isang finance management guy or isang best-selling author. Extraordinary anak ko, kaya extraordinary rin ang manugang ko, ano ba?)
Nagsplash yung pool. May ibang batang lalaking tumalon mula sa side at nagpafloating-floating. Pagod na yung matandang expat. Uwi na raw, sabi niya kay wifey. Mabait si baby girl, di nagreklamo. Baka sleepy na siya at gusto nang mamahinga. Kanina pa siguro sila naglalaro.
Nagtry akong tapusin yung binabasa ko na may kinalaman kung paano mabuhay ang mga millenials. Pero di ko makalimutan yung pangarap ko.
Kemo, please don't take that away from me.
Wednesday, October 28, 2015
Tuesday, October 27, 2015
Mabuhay! Mula sa Konstelasyon ng Kanser
In the meatime, tawagin mo akong Kapri.
Nope, hindi kapre (yung mahilig sa tabako at dumadakip ng mga dalaga), at hindi rin capri (yung nakakapandak na pants na sinusuot kapag summer ). Kapri, short for Kapricorn. Ipinanganak kasi ako ng Pasko, so kung kukunsultahin mo ang star signs, swak dapat ang personality ko bilang hardworking, decisive, money-savvy, career-oriented, and ... medyo boring.
Hindi naman ako boring. I think. I try not to be. But sometimes, kung di ko bet yung kausap ko, I will nod and grunt as if to say, I'm listening, or I get your point, but really, gusto ko lang matapos yung conversation and makapagcheck ng likes sa Facebook status ko.
Hardworking ba ako? Pwede na. Hindi naman ako bumagsak sa school or nasisante sa trabaho dahil sa katamaran. Pero realistic naman ako sa expectations. Or, baka lang I don't really have that much faith in myself, kung kaya kung manalo ng award, okay sa alrayt. Kung matalo, "Shit ba't ganun", pero after a few moments, kerribels.
Bakit ako may ganitong blog? At anong kinalaman ng kanser? Meron ba akong crush na Kanser ang star sign? Fan ba ako ng Noli Me Tangere? (Kung hindi mo nagets yung Rizal reference, BUMALIK KA SA HIGH SCHOOL.)
Ang masaklap na dahilan ay yung, alam mo na, yung sakit na kanser. Of course aware naman ako that cancer does not discriminate, kahit sino, papatulan niyan, kesyo meron kang propensity for it because of your genes, or dahil nagtratrabaho ka sa isang toxic enviroment, or dahil ora-orada kang lumalamon ng red at processed meat (kanina lang inannounce ng WHO na carcinogenic daw ang bacon; parang nalungkot ang buong mundo), or it could be anything we don't have the scientific explanation for (yet)... Pero dahil ako na mismo ang tinamaan nito, it still felt surreal.
Laging sinasabi ng mga cancer patient bloggers na "cancer is something I thought *other* people got...not me." Oo, ganun nga. Akala ko sa ibang tao lang ito nangyayari -- hindi sa akin at hindi sa pamilya ko. 38 lang ako. Wala akong bisyo. Sure, overweight, but not so overweight. Char. Actually, kaunti na lang, pasok na dapat BMI ko eh. (Wala pa rin ako sa pasang awa point, even after losing so much weight. Magpapatangkad na lang ako next.)
(Oh. Dun sa losing weight -- a confession. I used to harp on workout and diet as the reasons for my "getting into shape"... I lost 20 pounds kasi. Ayun pala... may sakit na pala ako. Wenk wenk wenk. Sorry, folks. #dietpamore.)
One of these days, I'll blog about how I got diagnosed with cancer. But right now, gusto kong sabihin I'm not afraid of it. (Nanginginig ako while saying that. Teka, once more, with conviction...)
I'm not afraid of cancer. I'm so not afraid of it that I'm spelling it with a small "c", and I'm actually saying it out loud. cANCER. I AM NOT AFRAID OF YOUS.
My dear reader, I won't shield you from this fact. Matanda ka na, at alam mo dapat ang ilang katotohan sa life. People live, and people die. Cancer is just one of the many ways that people can die of. Also, hindi ka pa ba natuto kay JK Rowling and the Harry Potter books? Dapat hindi ka matakot sabihin ang pangalan ng kaaway mo. Dapat "Voldemort" (na sabi nila ay may silent "t"), at hindi "He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named". Kung hindi, defeated ka na, hindi mo pa siya nahaharap.
Chemo/ Kemo, on the other hand, hmm, I'll probably fear once I get on with the treatments in November. I've read some first hand accounts, and they all say, something short of "Fuck this fuck this fuck this". It is going to be hhhhorrible, and I have to go and complete 4 cycles of terrible agony. (But I shouldn't be complaining since some people go through it 12 times.)
There was one oncologist who wrote something in a forum that was a bit encouraging though: I should view chemo as my friend. Probably a ruthless friend because I'm going to physically suffer on account of our friendship... but a friend nonetheless because it's going to help me beat cancer. It's going to help me live.
Pero shit. Kemo, please be nice. (Also, come on, Body!!! We can do this!!!)
Anyways, yun muna. I just wanted to keep the ball rolling on this blog with this first entry. Binoblog ko ito kasi ayokong mabaliw ang mga kaibigan at kapamilya ko kung pagbubuhusan ko sila ng LAHAT ng nararamdaman ko about this thing. Kailangan ko ng outlet. Ika nga ng friend ko na si Kate, "we feeling wordsmiths find comfort in the act of writing".
So ayan na.
Nope, hindi kapre (yung mahilig sa tabako at dumadakip ng mga dalaga), at hindi rin capri (yung nakakapandak na pants na sinusuot kapag summer ). Kapri, short for Kapricorn. Ipinanganak kasi ako ng Pasko, so kung kukunsultahin mo ang star signs, swak dapat ang personality ko bilang hardworking, decisive, money-savvy, career-oriented, and ... medyo boring.
Hindi naman ako boring. I think. I try not to be. But sometimes, kung di ko bet yung kausap ko, I will nod and grunt as if to say, I'm listening, or I get your point, but really, gusto ko lang matapos yung conversation and makapagcheck ng likes sa Facebook status ko.
Hardworking ba ako? Pwede na. Hindi naman ako bumagsak sa school or nasisante sa trabaho dahil sa katamaran. Pero realistic naman ako sa expectations. Or, baka lang I don't really have that much faith in myself, kung kaya kung manalo ng award, okay sa alrayt. Kung matalo, "Shit ba't ganun", pero after a few moments, kerribels.
Bakit ako may ganitong blog? At anong kinalaman ng kanser? Meron ba akong crush na Kanser ang star sign? Fan ba ako ng Noli Me Tangere? (Kung hindi mo nagets yung Rizal reference, BUMALIK KA SA HIGH SCHOOL.)
Ang masaklap na dahilan ay yung, alam mo na, yung sakit na kanser. Of course aware naman ako that cancer does not discriminate, kahit sino, papatulan niyan, kesyo meron kang propensity for it because of your genes, or dahil nagtratrabaho ka sa isang toxic enviroment, or dahil ora-orada kang lumalamon ng red at processed meat (kanina lang inannounce ng WHO na carcinogenic daw ang bacon; parang nalungkot ang buong mundo), or it could be anything we don't have the scientific explanation for (yet)... Pero dahil ako na mismo ang tinamaan nito, it still felt surreal.
Laging sinasabi ng mga cancer patient bloggers na "cancer is something I thought *other* people got...not me." Oo, ganun nga. Akala ko sa ibang tao lang ito nangyayari -- hindi sa akin at hindi sa pamilya ko. 38 lang ako. Wala akong bisyo. Sure, overweight, but not so overweight. Char. Actually, kaunti na lang, pasok na dapat BMI ko eh. (Wala pa rin ako sa pasang awa point, even after losing so much weight. Magpapatangkad na lang ako next.)
(Oh. Dun sa losing weight -- a confession. I used to harp on workout and diet as the reasons for my "getting into shape"... I lost 20 pounds kasi. Ayun pala... may sakit na pala ako. Wenk wenk wenk. Sorry, folks. #dietpamore.)
One of these days, I'll blog about how I got diagnosed with cancer. But right now, gusto kong sabihin I'm not afraid of it. (Nanginginig ako while saying that. Teka, once more, with conviction...)
I'm not afraid of cancer. I'm so not afraid of it that I'm spelling it with a small "c", and I'm actually saying it out loud. cANCER. I AM NOT AFRAID OF YOUS.
My dear reader, I won't shield you from this fact. Matanda ka na, at alam mo dapat ang ilang katotohan sa life. People live, and people die. Cancer is just one of the many ways that people can die of. Also, hindi ka pa ba natuto kay JK Rowling and the Harry Potter books? Dapat hindi ka matakot sabihin ang pangalan ng kaaway mo. Dapat "Voldemort" (na sabi nila ay may silent "t"), at hindi "He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named". Kung hindi, defeated ka na, hindi mo pa siya nahaharap.
Chemo/ Kemo, on the other hand, hmm, I'll probably fear once I get on with the treatments in November. I've read some first hand accounts, and they all say, something short of "Fuck this fuck this fuck this". It is going to be hhhhorrible, and I have to go and complete 4 cycles of terrible agony. (But I shouldn't be complaining since some people go through it 12 times.)
There was one oncologist who wrote something in a forum that was a bit encouraging though: I should view chemo as my friend. Probably a ruthless friend because I'm going to physically suffer on account of our friendship... but a friend nonetheless because it's going to help me beat cancer. It's going to help me live.
Pero shit. Kemo, please be nice. (Also, come on, Body!!! We can do this!!!)
Anyways, yun muna. I just wanted to keep the ball rolling on this blog with this first entry. Binoblog ko ito kasi ayokong mabaliw ang mga kaibigan at kapamilya ko kung pagbubuhusan ko sila ng LAHAT ng nararamdaman ko about this thing. Kailangan ko ng outlet. Ika nga ng friend ko na si Kate, "we feeling wordsmiths find comfort in the act of writing".
So ayan na.
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